parenting? us?

Back at 37 weeks pregnant, I finally hit my, "oh no, there's no turning around" moment. I knew it had to come sometime. All the excitement and preparations turned into fear one night. 

Everything is changing and has been changing, there is a shift in what we know to be normal, our marriage is impacted and changing, our daily lives were reoriented around preparations and I finally started to see it, and all I could do was cry. Nic held me and I just let it all out. I am not ready for this.

I saw myself living in fear and distrust in God goodness creepily appeared. In that moment all I knew to do was look to Nic for affirmation. I needed him to tell me that we are good people, we will be good parents, and wanted him to say a million times that he loves me and our baby boy soon to be born. How do single moms do this, I wondered. I need the tangible love of him.

It's subtle, but my heart has been growing worship of myself and my situation. Lord, forgive me. I want our marriage to be perfect before we bring another one into our dysfunction. And, it terrified me to realize and admit that our marriage isn't perfect, our son won't be perfect, our parenting will fail, our strength is not enough. I can't save my child, only He can do that.

In my dysfunction, God interceded like he always does to remind me that I am undeserving. Yes, Julie, your marriage isn't perfect, your son will hurt you he is a sinner just like you, your parenting will fail, yet my love for you doesn't change. I am here with an abundance of grace. I love you just as you are. You don't have to pretend to have it all together. While we were still sinners Christ died for us once and for all. My identity is not in the health of our marriage, how hip or cool or nerdy or funny our son is, how well we parent. My identity is in the finished work of Christ. I am undeserving of his grace, yet he gives it to me abundantly. 

At Christmas, we celebrated the birth of Christ, to remind ourselves that God sent his son as a baby. His coming looked nothing like anyone thought it would. He lived the life we should have lived and then died the death on the cross that we deserve. Our sin separates us from a Holy God, yet God through this baby named Jesus and his death on the cross, took all of God's wrath for our sins to make a way for us to be reconciled to the Father. All we have to do is believe.