parenting? us?

Back at 37 weeks pregnant, I finally hit my, "oh no, there's no turning around" moment. I knew it had to come sometime. All the excitement and preparations turned into fear one night. 

Everything is changing and has been changing, there is a shift in what we know to be normal, our marriage is impacted and changing, our daily lives were reoriented around preparations and I finally started to see it, and all I could do was cry. Nic held me and I just let it all out. I am not ready for this.

I saw myself living in fear and distrust in God goodness creepily appeared. In that moment all I knew to do was look to Nic for affirmation. I needed him to tell me that we are good people, we will be good parents, and wanted him to say a million times that he loves me and our baby boy soon to be born. How do single moms do this, I wondered. I need the tangible love of him.

It's subtle, but my heart has been growing worship of myself and my situation. Lord, forgive me. I want our marriage to be perfect before we bring another one into our dysfunction. And, it terrified me to realize and admit that our marriage isn't perfect, our son won't be perfect, our parenting will fail, our strength is not enough. I can't save my child, only He can do that.

In my dysfunction, God interceded like he always does to remind me that I am undeserving. Yes, Julie, your marriage isn't perfect, your son will hurt you he is a sinner just like you, your parenting will fail, yet my love for you doesn't change. I am here with an abundance of grace. I love you just as you are. You don't have to pretend to have it all together. While we were still sinners Christ died for us once and for all. My identity is not in the health of our marriage, how hip or cool or nerdy or funny our son is, how well we parent. My identity is in the finished work of Christ. I am undeserving of his grace, yet he gives it to me abundantly. 

At Christmas, we celebrated the birth of Christ, to remind ourselves that God sent his son as a baby. His coming looked nothing like anyone thought it would. He lived the life we should have lived and then died the death on the cross that we deserve. Our sin separates us from a Holy God, yet God through this baby named Jesus and his death on the cross, took all of God's wrath for our sins to make a way for us to be reconciled to the Father. All we have to do is believe. 

we've been waiting for you

one week ago today, at just over 38 weeks pregnant, i went to shawnee mission medical center to see if my water had broken. the night before around 11:45pm i found myself in a nice little gush of fluid. nic and i convinced ourselves that it was just a false alarm and we went to sleep.

the next morning i couldn't shake the idea of what if... so, fully expecting to come home, i went to have it checked out. they did a swab test and it came back false, water had not broken. as i had expected. the nurse was not convinced, she said i had a "good story" and wanted to have me checked out. 30 minutes later i was admitted and told we are going to meet our baby boy soon.

at this point, it was just me and a sweet nurse named Ashley who calmly walked me through the process. as i processed the reality of meeting our son, i contacted nic, my mom, family, friends, etc. letting them know baby will likely be out within 24 hours. the labor and delivery room was nice, peaceful even, i am thankful God gave me a quiet space to process that i was going to be in labor soon. this is not how i pictured it going. i was full of joy and fear.

behind the scenes it was a mad dash to the hospital. mom was in garden city visiting granddad and my sister-in-law, my doula, was in florida. nic was at work, he dropped everything to go home, get our supplies, and race to my side. that friday night, december 14, 2012, we were planning on having a date night to pull together our "go bag". oh well. it was a production getting everyone together. thanks to all that helped and sacrificed.

soon after nic arrived they began the induction process, cervidil around 2pm (the amniotic fluid stream caused there to have to be two doses, one at 2pm and one a 4pm), walking the halls with nic from 7-9pm, pitocin at 9pm, an incredibly painful cervical check at 2am (2cm dilated, fully effaced), ugh. a narcotic at 3am (coupled, unknown to me, with an increase in pitocin) and finally a cry for an epidural at 4am.

now by this point, 4am, i was exhausted. i heard the anesthesiologist come into the room and honestly the only thing that got me though those last few contractions was knowing that the epidural would be in effect and take place in 30 minutes. i knew i could do 30 more minutes. i heard him come in and say, "i just got a call for two epidurals, which one would you like me to do first?". i about lost it and thought i can only do 30 more minutes, not an hour, only 30 minutes. they'd better pick me. they did. incredibly thankful.

once the epidural took effect the room calmed way down from my perspective, we all rested for about an hour, and then it was time to start pushing. i had forgotten about pushing.

this was it, this was the moment the past nine months were leading up to. nic got a little light headed in light of the weight of the next few moments. is this really happening, are mom and baby going to be okay, lots of emotions. all you can do is trust God, and that is the most wonderful thing. it is out of our hands, in fact is was never in our hands.

i was exhausted/anxious/excited/fearful. it's a moment i'll never forget. here we go. the doctor came in ready to deliver. but, just before my final pushes. i kid you not. the doctors 6am alarm went off. not a big deal except that she was all sterilized, had to have the nurse get it out of the clip (no small task apparently), the nurse snoozed it, not okay with the doctor. the doctor said it would just go off in 5 more minutes. the doctor walked the nurse through how to launch the app and turn the alarm off. meanwhile, i was still waiting to push, i waited and waited and waited knowing this would be funny later. luckily i was in no pain, thank you epidural. ok, we were ready.

and alas lincoln alan kline was born on december 15, 2012 at 6:03am, 6lbs 5 oz, 19.5 inches.

welcome little one, we've been waiting for you.

we love you, linc.