parenting? us?

Back at 37 weeks pregnant, I finally hit my, "oh no, there's no turning around" moment. I knew it had to come sometime. All the excitement and preparations turned into fear one night. 

Everything is changing and has been changing, there is a shift in what we know to be normal, our marriage is impacted and changing, our daily lives were reoriented around preparations and I finally started to see it, and all I could do was cry. Nic held me and I just let it all out. I am not ready for this.

I saw myself living in fear and distrust in God goodness creepily appeared. In that moment all I knew to do was look to Nic for affirmation. I needed him to tell me that we are good people, we will be good parents, and wanted him to say a million times that he loves me and our baby boy soon to be born. How do single moms do this, I wondered. I need the tangible love of him.

It's subtle, but my heart has been growing worship of myself and my situation. Lord, forgive me. I want our marriage to be perfect before we bring another one into our dysfunction. And, it terrified me to realize and admit that our marriage isn't perfect, our son won't be perfect, our parenting will fail, our strength is not enough. I can't save my child, only He can do that.

In my dysfunction, God interceded like he always does to remind me that I am undeserving. Yes, Julie, your marriage isn't perfect, your son will hurt you he is a sinner just like you, your parenting will fail, yet my love for you doesn't change. I am here with an abundance of grace. I love you just as you are. You don't have to pretend to have it all together. While we were still sinners Christ died for us once and for all. My identity is not in the health of our marriage, how hip or cool or nerdy or funny our son is, how well we parent. My identity is in the finished work of Christ. I am undeserving of his grace, yet he gives it to me abundantly. 

At Christmas, we celebrated the birth of Christ, to remind ourselves that God sent his son as a baby. His coming looked nothing like anyone thought it would. He lived the life we should have lived and then died the death on the cross that we deserve. Our sin separates us from a Holy God, yet God through this baby named Jesus and his death on the cross, took all of God's wrath for our sins to make a way for us to be reconciled to the Father. All we have to do is believe. 

we've been waiting for you

one week ago today, at just over 38 weeks pregnant, i went to shawnee mission medical center to see if my water had broken. the night before around 11:45pm i found myself in a nice little gush of fluid. nic and i convinced ourselves that it was just a false alarm and we went to sleep.

the next morning i couldn't shake the idea of what if... so, fully expecting to come home, i went to have it checked out. they did a swab test and it came back false, water had not broken. as i had expected. the nurse was not convinced, she said i had a "good story" and wanted to have me checked out. 30 minutes later i was admitted and told we are going to meet our baby boy soon.

at this point, it was just me and a sweet nurse named Ashley who calmly walked me through the process. as i processed the reality of meeting our son, i contacted nic, my mom, family, friends, etc. letting them know baby will likely be out within 24 hours. the labor and delivery room was nice, peaceful even, i am thankful God gave me a quiet space to process that i was going to be in labor soon. this is not how i pictured it going. i was full of joy and fear.

behind the scenes it was a mad dash to the hospital. mom was in garden city visiting granddad and my sister-in-law, my doula, was in florida. nic was at work, he dropped everything to go home, get our supplies, and race to my side. that friday night, december 14, 2012, we were planning on having a date night to pull together our "go bag". oh well. it was a production getting everyone together. thanks to all that helped and sacrificed.

soon after nic arrived they began the induction process, cervidil around 2pm (the amniotic fluid stream caused there to have to be two doses, one at 2pm and one a 4pm), walking the halls with nic from 7-9pm, pitocin at 9pm, an incredibly painful cervical check at 2am (2cm dilated, fully effaced), ugh. a narcotic at 3am (coupled, unknown to me, with an increase in pitocin) and finally a cry for an epidural at 4am.

now by this point, 4am, i was exhausted. i heard the anesthesiologist come into the room and honestly the only thing that got me though those last few contractions was knowing that the epidural would be in effect and take place in 30 minutes. i knew i could do 30 more minutes. i heard him come in and say, "i just got a call for two epidurals, which one would you like me to do first?". i about lost it and thought i can only do 30 more minutes, not an hour, only 30 minutes. they'd better pick me. they did. incredibly thankful.

once the epidural took effect the room calmed way down from my perspective, we all rested for about an hour, and then it was time to start pushing. i had forgotten about pushing.

this was it, this was the moment the past nine months were leading up to. nic got a little light headed in light of the weight of the next few moments. is this really happening, are mom and baby going to be okay, lots of emotions. all you can do is trust God, and that is the most wonderful thing. it is out of our hands, in fact is was never in our hands.

i was exhausted/anxious/excited/fearful. it's a moment i'll never forget. here we go. the doctor came in ready to deliver. but, just before my final pushes. i kid you not. the doctors 6am alarm went off. not a big deal except that she was all sterilized, had to have the nurse get it out of the clip (no small task apparently), the nurse snoozed it, not okay with the doctor. the doctor said it would just go off in 5 more minutes. the doctor walked the nurse through how to launch the app and turn the alarm off. meanwhile, i was still waiting to push, i waited and waited and waited knowing this would be funny later. luckily i was in no pain, thank you epidural. ok, we were ready.

and alas lincoln alan kline was born on december 15, 2012 at 6:03am, 6lbs 5 oz, 19.5 inches.

welcome little one, we've been waiting for you.

we love you, linc.

getting fat

it's true, i'm getting fat and the wonderful thing is, it's okay! i read recently that you gain about 11 pounds during the last trimester. bring. it. on.

i am 28 weeks along today, just starting the 3rd trimester. we are so excited for this new life to join us. nic has been diligently working on home improvement projects while i kick my feet up and relax. jk (sort of).

lots to do before the little one arrives. it may or may not get done, but i'm okay with that.

i do find myself thinking about how to incorporate a little one into our daily. like going shopping (bring with, i can do that) or like last night we made last minute plans to see florence and the machine at Starlight. hm, probably not the best atmosphere for a baby. options? call friends/family to see if they have some hours for baby kline watching.

last night was a fun double date night.  florence and the machine as well as the company were just spectacular.

photo dumping.

new toy

nic got a new wireless camera thingy tonight that has night vision and wireless movement capability from his parents for his birthday. neosho was intrigued.

what the heck is that?

AHA, it moves! A new enemy friend, i see.

i'm not sleeping with you around Mr.

this is how we proudly spend our friday nights.

Baby Name. Decided.

I use this app called "My Pregnancy" which keeps me apprised on how the baby is growing. It's great because it gives me a sense of what's going on since I can't actually SENSE what's going on, like Julie can.

Every Tuesday it dings with an update which includes approximations of the baby's size. This has been particularly helpful. We went from lime to small onion, avocado, then tomato... So yeah, it even helped us inadvertently come up with a perfect name. FINALLY. "Guacamole Kline".

Alaskan Adventure

our week in alaska was perfect. it was wonderful getting to spend time with nic outside of the daily routine and just relax. a true vacation. here is a quick photo recap of our trip.

at the market on saturday killing time as we wait for the arrival of the gents. i loved all the fur creations (hats, ear muffs, gloves, you name it!). due to the price and hot weather in ks i decided i didn't need any in my wardrobe. i think it was a good decision.

one of the best moments of the trip, seeing them ride in. 

in Whittier, AK. coffee is always a must.

lots to look at.

on the 26 glacier cruise tour through prince william sound which ported out of Whittier, AK. we went to the top of the boat while it was going full speed. it was cold and windy, but the views were worth it.

the Bob Kline clan.

"Surprise" glacier in the background, quite a site.

father and son. a nice stroll through Kincaid Park.

oh why, hello mr. moose.

they are amazing creatures.

baby moose.

our third moose spotting

n+j go kayaking out of Seward, AK! i have never been and i must say it was a highlight of the trip.

we rested and took a walk through a rainforest.

taken by our guide. 4 hours of this just doesn't get old. kayak adventures worldwide out of Seward, AK treated us well. highly recommend the trip.

nic and bob began their journey south on friday. the gals cleaned up the cabin and flew out saturday afternoon. due to our delayed flight out of anchorage, we missed our connection home and stayed an unexpected night (rather 3 hour nap) in minneapolis. i was so sad to be so close an ikea yet so far. home has been restful. now i wait for his arrival and probably work a little bit.

it was great spending a week with you, nic. ride home safe. we are waiting.

Neosho the absent dog

We are definitely missing this guy.

Alaskan morning together

Lots of thoughts, great morning conversations, family, serenity, relaxation.

We flew into Alaska and stayed at a hotel after 11 hours on a plane and nearly 24 hours of traveling. The following morning we gals souvenir shopped at the downtown anchorage market and arrived at the cabin awaiting our gentlemen. Sprucing up the place we picked wild flowers and decorated with evergreens. I don't think the guys noticed our efforts, but it was a joy to do none-the-less.

I am reminded again of the importance of Christian community to help us reorient our hearts. In this mornings' conversation I realized how much I bend towards selfishness not sanctification. This morning Bob made a true statement about the Lord's prayer, you now the part that says deliver us from evil. As often it is portrayed as, "oh, God deliver me from all those evil people", when perhaps it rather should be prayed as deliver me from my evilness, sanctify me now, and teach me how to love "all those evil people". Perspective.

Today we relax, maybe take some walks, as I get to enjoy the blessing of Nic's company and thankful that God planned these next few days for us to be together. So thankful we are here together.

Us and our view from the master suite.

Love to all from Alaska.

 

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49ers!!

About 2 hours ago the guys crossed into Alaska, according to SPOT GPS page. This makes it the 49th state Nic has ridden through. Quite an accomplishment. I am so proud.

I am looking forward to visiting him on this journey, T-5 hours.

Missing him

The men have left and are well on their way to Alaska. It was/is harder than I thought it would be. Despite all the amazing technology that gives me reassurance he is okay, he is still gone, far away and getting further. They are well into Canada now, and I think their ride will be beautiful today. I pray God uses it to show them of His majesty and goodness.


The only thing that keeps me sound is knowing that He has him and loves him more than I do.

As I have approached the second trimester (or 4th mester as Nic and I call it), Baby Kline likes to keep me guessing by giving me spoadic morning sickness. Today the little one said hello again. Yes, we haven't forgotten about you.

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two men go to Alaska today

today, nic and his dad launch for Alaska on their motorcycles. we've all been preparing for this day for quite a while. if you'd like to follow their adventures here are the links to their blogs, nic kline and dad kline.

last night we celebrated nic's last night (for a while at least) in kansas by enjoying two of our favorite things, bloomin' onion and coca-cola, needless to say we didn't feel too great afterwards. but as always, we enjoyed being together.

and he made some final preparation decisions.

We will miss you while you're gone.

In 6 months time...

now and then

may is one of those months, much like december, where there is never a dull moment.

we had a bachelorette party for one of my high school friends. hilarious looking through all the albums of high school pictures. here we are decorating for a high school dance. i wanna say prom at the indian center in 2004, but i still have braces which makes me think it was 2003. somewhere in there.

now, may 2012

the following weekend we took a day trip to manhattan and moved my youngest brother out of goodnow hall. he just completed his freshman year at K-State. i seem to remember it taking me longer than 15 minutes to move out of my dorm.

fun fact, goodnow hall, floor 6, is where nic and i met. my freshman year, mandy and i lived together in goodnow hall and nic and carolyn were our RAs. :) p.s. i realize my cheeks are bright red in this picture below. i was SO nervous as this picture was being taken - i think mandy was taking it and i swore she was stalling so nic and i had to be in this close together awkward semi-laying down position. p.p.s. this picture was pre-dating. it was taken December 2004, we started officially dating Fall 2005.

this month, i also had my first professional (i.e. paid) dance performance. i like to call it a gig. i've made a few connections in the dance world in kansas city this year. starting last september i began teaching ballet and contemporary classes on saturdays at Denises Dance Academy (DDA). i even got a staff shirt.

anyway, one of my co-teachers has an agent who called her wanting some dancers for a 70's show at a quilting convention. random right. it was a blast. between our schedules we scrounged up rehearsal time and put on a hilarious 70's performance.

lots more happenings that i will keep you posted on. it is memorial day weekend 2012, and i am thoroughly enjoying taking some down time, cleaning the house, running errands, and getting quality time with neosho. :)

nic is currently homeward bound, riding back from west virginia. for more information on why west virginia or to follow his trip visit http://twowheeledadventure.blogspot.com. i imagine he will also use this other blog for the upcoming Alaska adventure. he leaves end of June, and i fly out after the 4th of July. i tried to convince him to record his travels on this blog, but he decided he didn't want to bore you all. so, apparently if you want to be bored you can follow his two wheeled adventure blog. :)